


Makeshift Merc Day

by MichellesPenScratchz



Series: Scattershots [36]
Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Tumblr Prompt, Zahnzi Kall is Fiona in disguise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:40:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28321773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichellesPenScratchz/pseuds/MichellesPenScratchz
Summary: Vaughn sends a Vault Hunter on a seemingly pointless fetch quest.
Relationships: Fiona/Vaughn (Borderlands)
Series: Scattershots [36]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951531
Kudos: 1





	Makeshift Merc Day

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this [prompt](https://michellespensctratchz.tumblr.com/post/637629344554106880/december-prompts).

An alert chirped on Vaughn’s ECHO-Device, informing him that the Vault Hunter had completed the incredibly vital task Vaughn had set before them.

Vaughn pondered for a hot minute. What was the most completely off-the-wall nonsensical, bandit lord-y thing he could say while still conveying his gratitude? He recalled a gem Fiona provided on the day they met.

“HELLZ YES! You’re the man now, Vault Hunter dog!” he enthused into the comm. "Looks like that’s everything, so hustle on back here _yesterday_ (my bad, old corporate term) and collect your reward.” Then, for good measure, he threw in yet another “Bandit liiiiife!”

He glanced around his compound, specifically at the spot he had cleared for the spoils the Vault Hunter was now bringing him. He hoped they’d hurry. Vault Hunters were an unpredictable bunch (he should know–he fell in love with one) but hopefully the reward he offered was enough to motivate them into expedience.

Soon enough, the welcome sound of a Catch-A-Ride vehicle roared his way. The Vault Hunter disembarked, and presented him with the items he had tasked them to find: pipe cleaners from Atlas’ failed sanitation facility on Pandora, chocolates from Mad Moxxi’s backstock of gifts from hopeful suitors, and a stack of Vladof propaganda posters.

“Awesome-baublllllles!” Vaughn sang. He took the items and punched the sky triumphantly. “So, now you must be wondering what all this junk is for, right? Well, just between you and me, Bro…I may have suckered you into helping me win a bandit scavenger hunt. Now, I hope you aren’t too angry with me, but I do have a _totally rad bandit lord_ reputation to uphold, after all! Besides, you totes come out ahead too, just like I promised. Here’s your reward.” Vaughn gave up the goods. “Until next time.” He flexed, for good measure. “ _Scavenger buddies!”_

He stood and continued to pose until the trail of dust from the Vault Hunter’s vehicle subsided safely out of sight. Whew! They never suspected a thing. Now the real work could begin.

Inside his bunker, he turned on an Eridium-powered burner, the pot upon it filled with skag milk. (That had been an undertaking worthy of a bandit lord in and of itself.) He plopped Moxxi’s jilted lover’s chocolates into the milk, and gave them a good stir until they began to melt, their cocoa deliciousness swirling into the pale liquid. While that simmered, he retrieved the pipe cleaners and set to work with anxiously trembling hands. A little twist here, a little bend there, and the cleaners slowly began to resemble an evergreen tree. Sort of.

He propped the makeshift, knee-high tree into the corner he had prepared. Only one step remaining. Carefully, he began to fold the Vladof posters so that the red star inside each “V” was prominently face-up.

It was then that the faint sound of another vehicle approaching began to play footsies with his eardrums. He perked up and turned to look out his window just in time to see a grisled, COV-styled motorbike arriving. And astride it–the most bodacious bandit babe this side of Pandora.

The bike screeched to a halt in front of Vaughn’s living quarters. The scintillating Psycho seductress disembarked, and made her entrance known with a proud guttural call of “Rghaaaaawk! Braaaaawk!”

“Back atcha, lady!” Vaughn winked as “Zahnzi Kall” approached. “So, those COV d-bags are still buying it like a timeshare on Eden-7, I’m guessing?”

She grinned in that mischievous way he’d first become smitten with years ago, during a certain death rally. “Well, y’know.” Fiona winked. “I _am_ a pro at what I do. And a bunch of Psycho zealots aren’t exactly the most perceptive marks I’ve ever worked.” She sniffed the air. “What’s that on the stove?”

“Oh! You’re going to love this!” Vaughn took the pot off the heat and passed it seductively in front of her nose. “I thought my grifter lady and I could observe a time-honored Mercenary Day tradition. Wherein, we sip hot chocolate while we decorate the tree with these little star cards. He waved to the pipe cleaner creation and the folded Vladof posters.

“Can’t think of anything I wanna do more,” Fiona said, allowing an ephemeral moment of warmth to pass her by.“…Now pour me a cup, would you? All that growling does a number on my throat.”


End file.
